We have just been enjoying the simple things in life these past few months. Hiking and kayaking when we can. We have gotten a few road trips in too, but we have both been saying that we need a real vacation. Mom and Dad are here until tomorrow. We have loved having them here for a week. I always feel happier when my family is close by. Can't wait until they can get moved down this way. I have been missing my little Granny. May was a year since she passed. Today we saw a little lady eating alone at a restaurant in Keystone Heights. She looked like Grannie's twin. It was comforting but sad. Life is so short. I am trying to cherish every day that I have with my loved ones.

Three Year Anniversary

October 13th was mine and Tony's three year anniversary (dating). I met him less than a week after getting back from Japan. It was a total accident and not expected. Thanks to my sweet friend Laville (Tony's cousin) we were able to get reaquainted and start a friendship that quickly blossomed. I am beyond grateful for a second chance at love and companionship. He makes me so happy. Thanks Tony for 3 years of support through school, divorce, and 3 moves;) You are my big teddy bear.

Loss and Not Sleeping

     Ever since my granny passed on May 15th I have had a heavy heart. It really started back in April I guess, when we decided to move back to Florida (something I begged for and wanted for 7 years). When it finally happened I was a little happy, but terribly sad. I am a family person, and I love being close to them, but I just hate Alabama winters. I love the sun and the beach. I can't help but feel like telling my G that I was moving may have made her sad. She was lonely and we were very close and maybe she just decided to give up and get out of everybodies way. It breaks my heart. My mom is sad too that we moved so quickly and wishes we would have waited. I lived away from home for quite a few years and since I moved back in late 2009, mom and I were really enjoying meeting for lunch and going to garage sales. All those mother-daughter things we had missed.
     Since granny passed I have trouble sleeping at night. I lay awake and think about the shortness of life and all the things I could have done. I also think about all the loss that I (we, humans) will face in this lifetime, if we are fortunate to live an average life. Family, friends, spouses, pets.... I am not that strong and I don't know how one is expected to handle so much loss. My G was lonely. She had lost almost every person in her life except her surviving children. I remember the day of Papa's, and her baby brother's funerals how frail and dishevled she looked. She was in shock and had pnuemonia. She went straight to the regrigerator in her little heels,her purse still on her arm and started cleaning it out. It was such a sad experience to watch. She was so strong. A fiesty little fighter...but I think about all the times she had to eat dinner alone. How very sad. A few weeks before she passed I took her to lunch. Mom and Heather came too. We walked through the wild flower garden and she had to sit and rest. She asked me right there in the middle of the park to sing to her the song I was going to sing at her funeral. I did it, but I knew what her request meant. That day when I went to leave she kept hugging me, telling me thank you and that she loved me....I saw tears in her eyes and I still see them. I knew what was coming. On the Monday before she passed, we were all at her house when she had a mini stroke. Heather was giving her a manicure. She tried to speak but her words were jumbled. She finally said, "I can't get my words out." I called her later in the week to check on her and she said she felt good. I asked her how she could be so brave....she said, "Well, I know what's coming and there is no use to fear it." I just hate that she laid in the floor all night....the thought is unbearable. She was not awake, but still, she was breathing.
   G was the kind of person who took in all the people nobody else wanted to be friends with. She felt sorry for outcasts and she cared about people. I can't even tell you how many people she took in and cared for over the years.                                                                                                                  One of my favorite things to do with her and papa was to sit and look at hundreds of pictures. They would tell me all about each one and I would try to label them. G showed me the things she had saved over the years. Her Mom's glasses. A tobacco pack from a brother. Remnants that nobody else would care about. She was the baby of 12 or so children and her dad passed when she was young. It was like she kept little pieces of them in the drawer. After she passed, we found the worn, faded dress of her first baby Sylvia who only lived a matter of hours. She had a well worn dress of her mothers and numerous pairs of broken glasses and Bibles from loved ones. Papas watch and ring. She even had Papa's old doorbell that played the Tennessee Waltz, which she gave to me when he passed.
    I felt like she was in my corner, and to be honest there are precious few people in the world who will have your back like a mother, a grandmother, and a sister (if your lucky:).
   I have always been sensitive and introspective. I have always thought about death and pain. I am a happy person, I just have to feel my pain so that I can move through it. I cannot bury it because it will not go away unless I feel it and own it.
  I can't help but think..."How long will I have my parents, aunts, uncles, sister etc." I know they could all outlive me, especially with all the worry I do. Sometimes I would like to ask God why he made me so sensitive. It is really one of the crosses I have to bear.
 I just hope granny knew we were all there with her at the hospital when she was taken in and that we loved her. She passed in the hospital in the middle of the night with none of us there at the moment. I know her spirit was gone, but my human mind can't fathom her passing on without us there. We were able to hold papa as he passed over and that made it easier to let him go somehow.
   I am fortunate in that although she wasn't perfect, she was a kind, loving, wildly funny lady. I am proud that she was grandmother.

Wedding Plans are Under Way

We have set the wedding date for August 11, 2012. It is exciting but it makes me nervous too because of all the planning. We chose Blue Springs Bed and Breakfast for our small "almost elopement" ceremony. I think I found my dress this week, and Tony found a great  sear-sucker jacket he likes. We are looking forward to a small, intimate event.


   

Last Few Months

Well, I am so thankful to have a new career, and a job with a PAYCHECK!!!  I had gone so long without working and having a paycheck  while I was back in school that I didn't know how to act when I got my 1st check! I just felt so grateful. Job is going well and we really like living in Vestavia.  Lately we have done several things.We have decorated our new bedroom. I made a Christmas wreath. We celebrated Dad and Tony's birthdays and had a good Thanksgiving. I am almost finished Christmas shopping already and I am looking forward to traveling abroad sometime in 2012!  Sis is going to Morocco in January...lucky duck:) I am just so thankful to be out of school, close to family, and working.

Two Years Ago

Two years ago, around this very date I was laying on a park bench in the dark of night beside the ocean in Japan, crying my guts out. It seems like so long ago, but at the same time, that pain is something that you never forget. It is the kind of pain, that makes your stomach fall out of your body and your chest constrict like a fist, squeezing you to death. It was the end of everything and the beginning of everything new. It was like walking while being dead. It was breathing when you didn't want to. It was horrible, unexplainable, hurtful, and necessary. It changed me forever, and that is ok. If I hadn't been there, I couldn't appreciate where I am now. I wouldn't be as thankful, or as strong, and as happy as I am now. Being a survivor is empowering. It's the club you never wanted to join, but you didn't have a choice. Survivor...I like the way that sounds! I am grateful for my life.
Laura


Claire in Elizabethtown, "I want you to get into the deep beautiful melancholy of everything that's happened,"

Why does life fly by when you get older?

Me and Heather around 1980.

I have always been extremely sentimental...I think to my detriment. I miss being a child in many ways. Mostly because my parents were so young and fun, and me getting older means that they are also getting older.They were so good to us. We didn't have much money, but we had everything we needed and more. Life was good. I have always been family oriented. When I went off to college I wrote my parents a letter and told them how much I appreciated then and how much I had loved being in our family. We all cried together. I left for college when I was 17 so the better part of the last 17 years I have been away from my family for long periods of time. I have lived a lot of places, and loved traveling around, but I was never 100% happy because I was away from family. The last almost 2 years I have gotten to live close to my family, and it has been wonderful. I worry about the day when I will not have them anymore. I know that may sound morbid, but I have thought about these kinds of things ever since I was very young. I guess the moral of this post is that I need to show them how much I love them and appreciate them so that they know. Working in a nursing home is very rewarding, but it does constantly remind me of the brevity of life and the importance of saying I love you.

Vacation Toes

Ok, so I do not have a huge post to write right now, but I did do my toes today:) Leaving in a little while for the mountains. Definitely need the break. My clinal is going great. I  LOVE working with the children. When I start back next week, I will have 3 weeks left of clinicls and then a small break. Then back at the books, studying splinting and the business aspects of occupational therapy. Come on August...I can't wait to be done!!

5 months left of school!

I feel like it was yesterday that I was just thinking about Occupational Therapy and now I am 2 weeks out from starting my 3rd of 4 clinicals. This is one of the BIG ones. We will be treating patients, making mistakes, and learning SO much. It is exciting and terrifying. And then, when we finish in August, we will have to take the certification exam which is $500 to $600 a pop and some people say it takes several times to pass it. Ahhh! But like my friend said "One day at a time!" I have to pass this semester first. I have made so many great friends in this program and I already feel sad that I will not see them everyday when we are on fieldwork. But I AIN'T gonna lie...I will be glad to graduate (if I do) and be done with homework!!! One day at a time, one day at a time, gotta try to remember that.

Thankful

So I feel like I need to blog about the things I am thankful for so, here goes. I am thankful that a very painful year is behind me and wounds are healing and happiness returned. I am thankful that I have great parents who let me live with them until I could get back on my feet after the divorce. Who loaned me a car, fed me, bought me neccesities and fought for me to get a fair shake. They are the best most giving people. They wouldn't let me give up. They are strong and caring and I am BLESSED. I am thankful for my sister who started a group to channel the anger surrounding my divorce that not only helped me, but helps other people in need. I am thankful that she ALWAYS has my back and supports me. She makes me believe that I can do anything;) I am thankful for my granny who has been supportive and understanding and for my godparents who are always doing something sweet for me. I am also thankful for good, loyal friends. I am thankful for my dog, DON'T laugh, she is the best and she will never ask for a divorce. Lastly, I am thankful for Tony. He listens, he understands, he is patient, he takes care of me, he gives and gives and doesn't ask for anything. I know no person is perfect, and I don't believe in fairy tales, but I am very happy and Tony has helped me believe in people again- and that was no easy task. I am thankful for second chances.
I hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving.

20's or 30's

So, one of our questions on a test today was "Dispute or refute...the 20's are the best years of your life." I of course chose to refute it;) My 20's started off very tumultuous, all those new life factors and expectations coming into play. I suffered severe depression and identity issues. Yes, parts of it were exciting, but honestly, I love my thirties, so far anyway. I don't like feeling older, but what I do love is finally knowing who I am and what I am about. That took a long time for me. There is something great about knowing that I am my own person and that others can like it or leave it;) What would you choose? 20's or 30's?

Just Keep Swimming

Well, just a quick little post to say that school is EVERY bit as hard as I anticipated! If not worse than I thought. It is so much harder than SEBC! And no, that wasn't easy either. I actually enjoy being around most of my classmates. I have made some nice friends, and have a lot of support from them. I feel like if I can make it through, I will enjoy this job. I have made good grades, but the hands on stuff freaks me out. Palpating muscles and memorizing the origins, insertions, and function of each is not fun to me. I would rather be playing playdough with the kids I observe on Fridays:) That is the therapy I am interested in!
Tony and I got a place together. We are close to the school. When (if) I graduate, I want to move back to Florida! I miss the beach. Heather is looking for land there too, and hopefully Mom and Dad will move too.
Happy fall to everybody! I am off to study for a test.

The fear and heart palpitations have returned.....

That can only mean one thing...school is about to start. Next Wednesday in fact. I feel terror! Getting into the OTA program was a great feeling, but now the hard work begins! Today I purchased $660 in text books. Just looking at the books with ALL those words and body parts and muscles made me feel weak, and woozy, and oh so scared. I ALWAYS feel this way, every semester since the first time I set foot in a college classroom way back in 1993. Even when I get an A or good feedback from a teacher I still feel afraid. WHY is this? Maybe it is bc I am a doubting Thomas. Maybe it is bc my personality is dramatic. Whatever the reason...I do not like it. Sometimes I really do feel like I can't breathe. I am excited to be learning. I am grateful for this opportunity and I want to succeed. I just wish I didn't freak out!!  I hope I can find a calm place in my mind to anchor myself!
Here we go!

More California Pics

Row housesClint Eastwood's restaurant and InnPebble Beach golf courseClint Eastwood's InnSan Fran Pier by the sealsNear Big Sur

San Fransisco

My sister took us to Monterey Bay and Big Sur...it really is a beautiful place. We visited Pebble Beach golf club. We had dinner at Clint Eastwood's farm in Carmel. I love to visit Californina...mostly because my sister is there:) I am happy to announce that she is planning to move back to the east coast and that makes me wonderfully happy!

Winter

I hate winter. I am sorry. I try to be grateful and think about how we need the cold to kill the pesky bugs that eat the garden, blah, blah, blah. But the truth is, I hate it. I don't like to be cold and stuck indoors. But if I did get philosophical about it...and here I go...I  would have to say that the truth is, winter makes summer so much more wonderful. And being that I am in a "winter" season in my life, and being that things have been rough this past year...I know that when summer comes agian to my life, and I have to believe that it will...I  will appreciate that "summer" season so much more than I did before. BUT! I do hope that summer comes soon:)

Grissmill in Childersburg

Last week a friend of mine took me on a little adventure. We found this grissmill out in the boondocks. The beauty of it kinda made me forget that it is winter time...(blech). It was a fun trip!

Secret of Flying

"All it requires is simply the ability to throw yourself forward with all your weight, and the willingness not to mind that it is going to hurt...if you fail to miss the ground. Most people fail to miss the ground, and if they are really trying properly, the likelyhood is that they will fail to miss it fairly hard."
~Douglas Adams

Cali and Friends

Heather, Holly, and me in Napa

Heather's view

Birthday #33Napa

Once Broken

Once Broken, Always

A hundred pieces lay at her feet
Jagged edges, some smooth
We all have edges she thought.

Wishing,
Because she always wished
That she had the time to fit the pieces back together

Knowing,
Once broken, never the same,
Not plates, not vases, not people.