Gearing up for round 2

Ok, so when I went to college the first time I was really afraid, but I always new that I would finish & that things would work out...so why now, my second time around, am I so terrified?? I guess it is because it has been "awhile" and also because I realize that if I don't do well then I have wasted money & will still need a career. Wow, that is so scary. Am I being paranoid? Am I going to do ok? Am I crazy for going back to school at this point in my life? This is something I really want to do. I think about the certification for occupational therapy and I freak out on the inside! I wish I didn't have to take it at the end of the program bc I have all this time to build up anxiety. UGH!
Going back to school is a neccesity. I don't want people to think that I am saying bad things about Southeastern Bible College...b/c I am not....and I value the time that I spent there, but I have had so much trouble with teacher certification b/c of my degree. I was able to get temporary certification in Florida, which was great, and I had a great taching job, but the school eventually closed...and then before I was able to test for full certification, we had to move for Eric's job.Has anybody else had those same issues with their SEBC degree? I guess that I do believe that things happen for a reason...some days I am not sure...I'm a doubting Thomas for sure. I am so excited & so nervous about the steps I am taking now. If you think of me, please so a prayer that I will do my best, be calm, and trust that things will turn out ok.
Other than fear, which I hope to be able to let go of...things here are ok. The separation is not going smoothly, and has become a stressful situation as far as legal matters go...but this is just a season, and I have had so many great seasons in my life, so I have to expect that I will have difficult ones too.

Things I say to myself:)

1~ I can do this...whatever it happens to be that day.

2~ Stop focusing on yourself...have to remind myself a lot.

3~ Food is fuel...lol.

4~ It is what it is.

5~ Breathing deeply is very beneficial.

6~ Change is constant.

7~ Be good to your friends.

8~ I am not old, I am not old, I am not old....YET!

9~ I am what I think...

10~ Be positive.

11~ Be thankful.

12~ It is okay to fail.

May I Suggest the Group "The Swell."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ATzyS4-f3Kw

Learning to trust people.

I have never been very trusting of people. I guess that is a personality flaw of mine. But in light of recent circumstances I have had to trust in strangers for various things & I am so happy to say (write)that I have a new found trust in the human race! It feels amazing! Part of this new trust has come from the Japanese people. I have had a wonderful experience with my Japanese neighbors. My landlord is a much older woman whom I see frequently coming and going. She does not speak English, maybe a few random words like dog & walk is all. But she and I always find a way to communicate. It is so neat. She tells me thank you for sweeping the walkway. She speaks to my dogs when she passes. She brings me gifts of food, and yesterday she brought her daughter over to meet me. Her daughter speaks some English & the mother wanted her to ask me if I would teach some of her friends English. I was so honored & I would have loved to do it...that is when I had to get out my dictionary & show her the words divorce & move. They were sad, & the word the daughter used was "darn-it" said like "dahn eet." That made me laugh! We all giggle a lot when trying to communicate. Anyway, tonight I saw my landlord looking in the window waving. I went outside and she said in English "You ok?" It was so sweet! She is adorable. So very nice. My other Neighbor Sato San told me he was disappointed that I was leaving & wanted me to come back & visit the hot springs! He said that he would get me some information. I am all about some hot springs, lol. Anyway, many other experiences here in these 2 short months have opened me up to accepting that humans can be good to each other & I feel more trusting of people in general than I ever have before. And that feels really, really good.

So Many Emotions

I have a sea of emotions in my heart. Too many to acknowledge. Sometimes I stop & think what has happened here? Where did my life go? Six weeks ago, things were so different. It took so much time and emotional energy to prepare to live overseas. I was prepared to live here in Japan for 3 years, and it is taking some effort to re-evaluate my situation & prepare myself to move again to a new place & a new circumstance. I wish I were more flexible.
Today I received my flight confirmation, I am flying out sooner than I exspected. I leave on October 7th. Instead of feeling relief that I am going "home" I felt sad & confused.
The bottom line is I just have to accept what is...and let go of what is no more.

I Choose Joy and a Morning Cup of Yoga

Ok, so my title has nothing really to do with my post, hehe. I just liked the sound of it. I have a book & cd titled "Morning Cup of Yoga." A lady from Alabama wrote it, neat huh. It is a 15 minute workout that I haven't gotten around to doing yet. I love yoga so I think it will be a good cd.
I have been listening to a lot of Ray Lamontagne, reading a lot, & taking long nightly walks. It is so nice to walk at night here. I don't feel scared at all. It feels peaceful here. I guess it is a good place for a divorce if there is such a thing, because there is such a feeling of rightness. I see children playing by themselves safely. I see elderly people walking babies in the middle of the day. And I see neighbors living with sveral generations all together in one house, and it is amazing. The feeling of community is incredible to me. It makes me feel better about being a family person. I have been critisized for that many times. Especially by men. I can't help it that I love my family. They have always been there for me.
It is 6 pm & the bell is chiming. I think that is so neat. Comforting.
Eric leaves for Australia on Tuesday. I had a bit oh a hyperventilation attack when I thought about being stuck in Hayama by the beach with no car for 3-4 weeks, but I stopped it real quick. It is a little scary to be so far from base. I am still waiting on my flight confirmation to come through so that I can go home.I will leave as soon as it comes.I will miss this country. But I need to get my new life started so that I can have a place to call home. I think that will help tremendously in the healing process. I need to be busy so I plan on maybe fostering & volunteering. I will also help take care of my "granny." I miss her.
I am looking forward to American food (although I will miss the food here too, especially Ramen), grocerie stores with labels I can read, clothes stores that have my size,a western sized sofa, and a yard for my dogs. Poor things. They seem sad. And being with the ones I love & who love me:) I'm so thankful for my family and friends love. draft 1:47:00 AM by seabird Delete
Edit View A Time of Change 5

A Time of Change

This season of my life has brought a bit of unexpected change. Change that I did not want and have feared all of my life. I am the kind of person who loves a routine, but also loves some variety thrown in there here & there. That being said, I have really loved being married & cooking dinner, making scrapbooks, & homemade birthday cards. I loved living with my best friend & having inside jokes & of course a routine that had developed from 7 years of being with someone,for pretty much all of my free time.
Unfortunately, things do not always stay the same. Sometimes that can be good I know but so hard for me to accept. I like the life that I have had the last four years. The Navy band has been pretty perfect because Eric is not gone to terribly long at a time & we get to move every 3-4 years, which I like because I get bored so easily with one job. I love those aspects of the military. But soon everything I am used to will change. I have applied to go back to school in Alabama, to try something new. I will also be taking care of myself. I know I can do it, I've done it before, but I just didn't see this coming. It was a devestating blow & left me numb for several weeks. I'm sure being in a new country with no support system didn't help. But, God provided 2 precious people who without knowing me, offered me wonderful support. I am a proud person sometimes so I am feeling embarrased,& I'm not sure why.
I will not go into specifics on a blog, but Eric has decided that he believes that he wants a divorce. The differences we have are fundamental, thank God they do not involve infidelity or abuse to one another. We love each other, and we are best friends, but sometimes differences in certain areas cannot be overcome. Although I do want to keep trying, I can't do it by myself. It would take both of us. I love Eric dearly. I never wanted to be in this position...I guess nobody would choose this.
I just hope that I will be able to accept this change in time. I am trying, but I am always slow to embrace new things. And I truly hope that this pain will not last forever. It truly hurts so terribly.